It's taken me about a week to get back into writing about my resolutions because figuring out "emotional" goals is difficult. To be "emotionally happy" is neither timely nor measurable. So I guess what I'm going to create is a bullet point list of things that I need to be content and serene.
- I need to learn to let things go. Sometimes I feel that I obsess over what other people are doing that I deem as irregular or not up to my standards, and I get SO WORKED UP over things that have nothing to do with me. Ryan can tell you, it drives him crazy. Sometimes it's our friends or family members and even sometimes people I don't even know. At some point in my life (I'm not sure when) I internally set the "Erin bar of normalcy" that has really hurt how I view other people and their actions. Basically, if you aren't up to "the bar", you are cut from my life without a second thought. This is neither fair nor productive, I am well aware, but it's like once you've lived one way for so long, it's hard to make a change. I'm aware of this flaw in myself, and I really do want to work on it to eradicate this trait once and for all. What I think would be helpful is that any time I feel that feeling that I want to say something cutting or judgmental about what someone else is doing or saying, I need to write it down, acknowledge the feeling, then let it go. I must work on coming to any situation with tolerance, love and understanding, because I don't know where people are always coming from and my "standards" mean nothing to them. As Ryan always tells me, people don't always think how you think and they aren't any worse off for that.
- This brings up a second emotional need. Because I have such high standards for who I let in my life, I sometimes find myself being lonely. Don't get me wrong, I have friends and people I talk to regularly, but it seems most of them don't live in my area, especially any of my girlfriends. Going out and being social and meeting new people to me seems so taxing and time consuming that most nights I would rather stay in my bed and read. But there are times that I would really like friends to watch dumb chick movies with, go shopping with, etc, because Ryan can't do it all. I can't have him be my everything because I'd be setting him up for failure. I've learned over many relationships that I can't rely on my boyfriend to be the best friend, the girlfriend, the social network, my everything, because when they fail in one of those categories, they fail in all of them if that makes sense. So what I'm saying is that I need to get myself out there more. What I really want to do is throw my feelers out and see if any women that I either work with or some girls that are currently Ryan's friends would want to do a book club. It would combine reading and friendship nicely. I would like to get the ball rolling by this next month. I think that would help to fill some of the void and possibly lead to other shared interest activities. This all might sound so weird, I'm sure some readers are thinking "just go make friends, it's not that hard", but I feel like when you've been as isolating and self reliant as I have for so long, you forget those tools, and forget you even need them. As I'm getting older, I see you do. I want girls weekends, I want good friends, I just have to work harder than the next person to do it.
Have a wonderful day and go Hawks!!
No comments:
Post a Comment